Still Expectant

i've finally resorted to reading blogs by and about expectant fathers. it kind of helps ease anxieties, or at least distract me from them. one blog talked about how having kids can make you realize your own mortality. it's point was that your kids essentially are your replacements for when you're gone.

i loved that idea. of course, i don't want my kids to be like me, to simply replace me when i'm gone. nor do i necessarily think of them as extending my gene pool or really in any being a gesture toward my immortality. it's difficult to think of them as human beings at all at this point. i can feel them move in my wife's belly, sure, and their movements are much more than spasms, kicks and punches. they are full on human things. slow movements. like adjusting an elbow or something. deliberate movement. in fact, we're pretty sure one of them had the hiccups the other night, the boy.

but i think that my point is: i've resisted reading any advice stuff because i feel that none of it applies to me. reading them now has confirmed that feeling and i find it somehow comforting.

i don't seem to worry about the things other expecting fathers worry about, like not being able to have time for golf (or whatever) any more. i'm not even worried about not having time to write. but reading these books and blogs, i realize that there is no real model out there i want to follow, that instead my wife and i will be mroe the kind of parents that will be makingit up as we go along. that's a model i like. i think i can handle that.