Me and the twins 9 years from now

Let's make it interesting. Whoever comes up with the best caption gets a free Kitchen Press Chapbook of their choice. Submit captions in the comment box of this post.

Childbirth Class

Absent,

or should i say Awesome, magazine is seeking submissions for its next issue

Chinese Democracy

star wars and guns-n-roses made be the two pop-culturally defining phenomenon for males of my generation. and chinese democracy is basically like the star wars prequals: cool in theory, disappointing in reality. just as it was awesome to see a bunch of light saber fights, it's great to hear axl's voice on new songs. just about every song has something to like, some killer guitar groove or hook or melody of one sort or another, but i can't say there is a single song that is great, or (dare i say) even that good.

in the end, the vlaue of chinese democracy--like the star wars prequals--is more about the myths surrounding it than the actual document itself (and both made great and totally marred by their creators). still, i keep listening to it.

Still Expectant

i've finally resorted to reading blogs by and about expectant fathers. it kind of helps ease anxieties, or at least distract me from them. one blog talked about how having kids can make you realize your own mortality. it's point was that your kids essentially are your replacements for when you're gone.

i loved that idea. of course, i don't want my kids to be like me, to simply replace me when i'm gone. nor do i necessarily think of them as extending my gene pool or really in any being a gesture toward my immortality. it's difficult to think of them as human beings at all at this point. i can feel them move in my wife's belly, sure, and their movements are much more than spasms, kicks and punches. they are full on human things. slow movements. like adjusting an elbow or something. deliberate movement. in fact, we're pretty sure one of them had the hiccups the other night, the boy.

but i think that my point is: i've resisted reading any advice stuff because i feel that none of it applies to me. reading them now has confirmed that feeling and i find it somehow comforting.

i don't seem to worry about the things other expecting fathers worry about, like not being able to have time for golf (or whatever) any more. i'm not even worried about not having time to write. but reading these books and blogs, i realize that there is no real model out there i want to follow, that instead my wife and i will be mroe the kind of parents that will be makingit up as we go along. that's a model i like. i think i can handle that.

Expectant

it's strange being an expecting parent, even more so i think when you're expecting twins. at first it was nothing but excitement, especially during the first trimester. every week i excitedly went to the mayo clinic web site to see how the twins where the twins were in their development--week 5: hearts begin to beat, Week 8: fingers and toes form, Week 9: movement begins, and so on. It felt like the literature of creating itself, and i found it completely astonishing, both for what it was saying and how it was said ("The cavities and passages needed to circulate spinal fluid in your baby's brain have formed, but your baby's skull is still transparent...The arm bud that sprouted last week now resembles a tiny paddle. Your baby's face takes on more definition this week, as a mouth perforation, tiny nostrils and ear indentations become visible...Your baby will develop webbed fingers and toes this week. Wrists, elbows and ankles are clearly visible, and your baby's eyelids are beginning to form. The ears, upper lip and tip of the nose also become recognizable...The bones of your baby's skeleton begin to form")

the second trimester as been far more difficult. i have a real hard time with anticipation. if these babies are arriving, i want them here now. i hate not getting my way.

there are the changes my wife is experiencing that make all this more real yet not because we have to wait so long. during the preganancy we have been emotionally closer and more in tune than any point in our marriage, which is great. but there is also a bit of a distance. all this stuff is happening to her body. she is getting bigger, and can feel the babies inside her. sure, i can put my hand on her stomach feel them move, but she has, essentially, an access to them that i don't have. for as much as we are experiencing this together, we are also having vastly different experience, and because my role in many ways is more observational, i have a nagging (and ultimately unavoidable) sense of being somewhat cut off, of loneliness.

and then there's the increased possibility of premature birth and time in the NICU. i do not like one bit the possibility of my children being in anybody's care other than their parents'.

aside from all the joy and excitement, there is an immense amount of loneliness and terror. at home at night for the last month or more i have been able to do little more than cook dinner and watch tv. it's nice "quality time," but there also things i should be doing, chapbooks to make, poems and reviews to write--all of which is being done in only the most minimal way.